Country Mouse

I have learned ONE thing for certain from this urban living experiment I started 4.5 years ago.

I am a "country mouse".

So, here's a list of conclusions from this experiment:

• Cities Stink - No literally, they smell like shit. Literally. You've got hundreds of thousands of people stacked on top of each other, surrounded by concrete, which takes on the smell of whatever is dumped on top of it. So, when I walk around, I smell oil, gasoline, piss, shit, garbage, and, if it's around "mealtime" or restaurants, I smell food in addition. It only starts to smell like landscaping and cut grass once you get out into the suburbs or into a massive park (if you're lucky enough to have one nearby). But that's not the city, that's the suburbs.
• Cities Are Covered in Garbage - This is a two way street. Again, population density makes for a LOT of trash. The rule is, if it's usable trash, put it out on the curb or by the dumpsters to let your neighbors or homeless have dibs. The trash in big cities is incredible! I have found tons of beautiful clothes, expensive appliances, leather shoes, unsoiled furniture, food (no kidding, and I didn't even have to dive for it), and plenty of other things. I have a new mantra, "The Hood Provides". If you wait long enough, it will show up on a curb somewhere, waiting for you to come pick it up. But I said this is a two way street. For all it's throw-away abundance, there is a lot of stinky, putrid garbage around. Bags of dog shit, ton upon ton of plastic, rotting food and who knows what, decomposing paper and clothing, yard waste... You name it, it's getting dumped in West Oakland, up the street from my house.
• Cities Are Full of Crazies - The pace here sets people up for a lot stress. Rent is high, work is fast and furious, everything is expensive, and, again, people are stacked on top of each other. Which leads to overcrowding, and more stress. There are tons of goods and services available to destress, for those with enough expendable income. Otherwise you're probably medicating your stress with food and drugs. And this is just the sane people. Let's not forget the growing homeless population, and the huge percentage of it that is comprised of addicts and the mentally ill. These are the people that the world tries to shove under the rug. I really feel for these people. There is probably nothing more terrifying than being homeless and in the middle of a panic attack and a psychotic episode while going through alcohol withdrawal. Think about it for a minute...
• Cities Have EVERYTHING - Anything you want, anything you want to do, anything you want to see, anything you want to be, any persona you want to have, it's all here! And then there's everything you never wanted ever and hate with every fiber of your being. That's here too. And so are the people that like it.
• Everything Changes Constantly - This I already knew, but it becomes even more pronounced in centers of culture and technology. And this, consequently, is the only conclusion that has done anything for my growth. It has caused me to be a little Buddhist about clinging to security. It has also showed me that no matter how drastically things in my life change, I am going to be okay. I can overcome just about anything.
• Money Rules In Cities - If you have it, you're a lot happier than if you don't. The list of reasons could fill volumes so I'll just stop now.
• I Need Nature To Stay Sane - The only way to gain a reprieve from the stress of urban living is to LEAVE. In nature, the pace is slower. Change happens slower. There is less to do. There are less people, less trash, and very few horrible smells. You can see what is happening miles away from you instead of only a few hundred feet away. You can see the sky. You feel small and alone in the best way possible. You can close your eyes and be surrounded by nothing but the sound of the wind.

So that's what I've learned so far.

Now, an update: I haven't made an entry here in a very, very long time. I've been living in the San Francisco Bay Area. I came here to be a graphic designer, and ended up developing chronic hand problems and working retail. I made it work, though. Now I'm back in school looking to get a degree in dietetics, a field that I've always been passionate about. I hope to leave the cesspool of urbanity behind in a year and a half or so. And it's about time. I'm pretty much over it. There is no way I could ever live in a place as populated as this one longterm. It was a relief to live in such a liberal and accepting place in the beginning, but the trade off isn't worth it to me. I crave solitude and a much slower pace.

So, right now, I'm back in school, living in Berkeley, engaged to the love of my life, and looking forward to the future! It's a good place to be.

So, I am totally a country mouse. City mice are totally weird. I hope that I can move back to a less populated area either during my next bout of school, or shortly after. We are considering the Southwest again because of the climate. I'd like to live close to my Mom too, and if we end up in Arizona again, I'll have peeps to reconnect with!

We have lofty dreams of an airstream, and then an earthship. Whatever we do, it's going to be epic. I'm going to try to start posting here again, but it will most likely be sporadic at best. So, stay tuned if you dare.

Adult Decisions

This last 12 months has been full of adult decisions. Not fun adult decisions, not sexy adult decisions, but difficult adult decisions. I am satisfied with the decisions I've made, and I am satisfied that they have put me in a good place in life. I just wish that I was having more fun making them, and that the results were less mundane.

My decision to come to California was a good one. If I could go back, I would change how and when I did it, but it has turned out alright in the end. Finding a job was hard, but waiting for the right one turned out to be the best choice I could have made.

Speaking of jobs, I now work at Happy High Herbs! It's an herb shop that sells herbs to make you happy, healthy, and horny! That's actually in the orientation book, I think I'm among friends there. ; ) Everyone I work with is super nice. And this job has opened my eyes to a huge new world of knowledge and experience. I've finally found a treatment for my cramps that works, I've found effective treatment for my depression and anxiety, and I've even found some herbs that make me feel super "well"! The greatest thing about this job is that I get to help people. I get to introduce people to a wonderful new world of plant healing. It's wonderful!

I've been making some great new friends in the past few months and I'm very happy with how things have been expanding for me socially.

Finances are finally starting to even out, but I'm not out of the woods yet. Nearly there. I'll finally feel secure in September when Academy of Arts University schedules me in officially for modeling. Then I can get rid of my debt. Once that's gone, life will be awesome!

So yay being an adult and making shit work for me!

Now if only making shit work for me was as fun as all that. It is satisfying, but in a different way than doing my own thing with little regard for the consequences is satisfying. I liked the other pathway better, but this one is more sustainable in the longterm.

I'm almost 31. Weird. My Saturn Return is over, and I'm at the beginning of the next phase of my life. I like were it's going so far.

On the art front, I hope to get lots done before September. By then, I'd really like to have enough material to have a show somewhere. Here's hoping! It's taking lots of time. But there's a very good reason for that. I have chosen to develop a style, finally, at long last. While all my classmates were busy doing that in college, I was busy playing catch-up with color and design. So I never took the time to figure out how I really operate artistically. Now, I'm doing the work. Figuring it out, throwing all of my instruction out the window to reinvent my artistic self. It feels so good! And I love that I have taken a chance to tie it back to the sacred.

Everything in my life seems to be waking up that way. It feels really good. I feel like I've been missing out on a lot by not paying attention to the world through that lens.

So being an adult isn't so bad after all. Here's hoping I'll figure out a way to make it stellar before time marches too far past me. : )

Mythogenesis

I have embarked on what might be the biggest art project I've ever done in my life. The series will be called Mythogenesis. Here's the pitch.

I'm creating new mythology! Meet your new gods.

I have embarked on a grand project that I have been toying with since before I attended art school at the UofA. I have done a lot of work in the realm of comparative religions independently for most of my life. My fascination with ancient pantheons began in 6th grade when I first learned about the gods and goddesses of ancient Egypt and Greece. I devoured books on mythology, learning symbolic alphabets of iconography. As I grew up, I learned about even more pantheons, Norse, Celtic, Hindu, Arabic, Roman, and many more. I learned about Catholic saints, Kachina spirits, Orishas, animal spirits and myriad more fantastic creatures that inhabit our invisible, spiritual world. And the most fascinating things lie in the parallels between these spirits, and ultimately, that they come from the same place and are, in fact, the same spirit.

"Mythogenesis" will be a series of illustrations and later paintings that bring similar spirits back together, using all of the iconographies of each parallel spirit to create a composite image that reflects the dominant aspect of the deity. The title of each piece will be the name of the new God(dess) depicted, and the final piece will be done in the style of medieval sacred icons. The final paintings will be done in oil paint and gold leaf on panel. I'm attempting not only to create new myths, but pay tribute to the new spirits that these myths give rise to. I am drawing inspiration from ancient religious art, relief sculpture and statues, Russian icons, modern cartoons, pop culture and a host of modern artists and illustrators.

By fusing similar deities back together, I hope to impress upon the viewer that all of them are one. All of the thunder gods are thunder gods at the end of the day, be they Norse or Native American. No one religion is correct, but all draw upon the same wonder and awe, and the same spirit is present in each of them.

Here's what I've worked on so far.

Savior:

Chrysalis:

I'm hoping to develop a stylistic language that can give new life to philosophical concepts and characters alike. Savior is a conglomeration of the mythical Saviors of Mankind from 5 ancient cultures, and Chrysalis is my commentary on sacred metamorphosis.

My room mate told me to do what I can right now. And the way I interpreted it isn't just to keep plodding along, but to do what you can RIGHT NOW. I can't worry about the huge finished product yet, it's way far off! I have experiments and small pieces to do before I sit down and begin work the huge finished products. So, baby steps. First Chrysalis to test out the gold leafing process, then some other experiments to work out paint and techniques and progression. After all of that, I'll start on Savior. And when Savior is done, I'll begin work on the other 7 pieces to go with it.

The broader scope of this project includes many tribute pieces to spirits, deities and sacred concepts. I plan to do multiple versions of the same image that focus on different aspects of the same deity and all kinds of fun stuff.

Super excited and super inspired. The frankincense helps. ; )

Productivity Is A Four Letter Word

I've been thinking a lot about the notion of productivity.

When one thinks about productivity, one usually thinks about what one has done that day. How many chores we finished, errands we ran, projects we finished, the work that we did. Personal productivity is the motivation for many people to drag themselves out of bed in the morning and put on pants. This notion of having to do things in order to feel good about oneself is very strange, don't you think? Simply being alive and breathing should suffice to satisfy our ego enough. So where does this come from? Why must I tally off each and every task completed and feel better about higher numbers?

So let's look at the history of "productivity" and see if we can unravel the conundrum of it's looming presence in our lives.

Productivity is an economic concept connecting the measurement of efficiency to production, relating the total input to the total output of a single unit. The term was coined in the early 19th century (1), during the escalation of the Industrial Revolution. A quick look at the history books will give you an idea of what was going on at the time. The world experienced a huge economic boom which, it could be argued, continues today. We have reached the peak moment in this event, however, and it is evident in all of our institutions that the Victorian ideals that drive our Industrialist philosophies are unsustainable and flawed.

Productivity has crept into the deepest recesses of the human psyche through the clever use of money and commodity. We are consumers, and the notion of economic productivity touches every facet of our lives. Even our expectation of ourselves as people.

Pseudonyms of productivity include, "abundance" (which relates to the creation of "starvation economies"), "fertility" and "potency" (relating subconsciously to gender politics), "richness" (relating to wealth, and wealth back to consumption; and also to quality of life). These words trigger different subconscious relationships to productivity in our brains.

Productivity as abundance means we will never have enough; we will work to earn and consume and hoard. We work to fuel the productivity loop. We create capital to gain capital. And if we find ourselves with more than we need, we hoard that capital in banks and garages and storage facilities. Or stocks and real-estate. If you are not productive in this way, you live a life plagued by unfulfilled needs. You are deprived, and poor, and lazy. Very negative things to be.

Productivity as "fertility" and "potency" feeds our instinctual need to create. One could argue that the drive to reproduce and gender politics are influenced by this subliminal aspect of productivity. If you are not fertile, you are sterile. If you are not potent, you are weak. For women, this means you cannot produce children, and for some women, it carries the ridiculous notion that you are "less of a woman". For men, it is an affront to their masculinity; we all know the toxic stigma that being "impotent" carries. I mean, you must be a sissy if you aren't sporting a raging boner at all times, ready to rock!

Productivity as "richness" is pretty obvious. If you aren't productive, you are a lazy, stinky bum who lives in a shopping cart in an alley and begs for change. For not contributing to the production/consumption loop, you are a burden on society. And no one wants that, right? (Except for those that choose it in the name of simplicity or adventure.)

Productivity is a positive word that people use to describe themselves. "I was super productive today!" "I had a very productive afternoon." "I was running around all day being productive!" These are all statements that make us feel very good about ourselves. This is productivity as progress, and this is where it gets complicated.

The notion of progress and the notion of productivity are married in their influence over our lives and culture. Lack of progress means you aren't "growing" or "allowing for positive change" or "developing". Further, and at it's root, it means you are lazy. And being lazy in this culture means that you aren't "producing" anything of "value".

Progress, value, and productivity are very toxic things in a starvation economy. They cause people to degrade things that have no monetary value, hold themselves to unrealistic expectations, devalue experience and the time it takes to gain it, develop toxic attitudes about taking time out for self exploration, attach deep meaning to material possessions and wealth, hoards of very negative things. And not meeting these unrealistic expectations we set for ourselves in the name of being productive makes us feel horrible about ourselves.

So what have we done? How did this abstract economic concept seep into every crack and crevice of our lives? I could rant about the unsustainability of the 1950's utopian concept of progress and the deep evils of capitalism, but you've no doubt heard about those elsewhere.

I propose something more... well... productive!

I propose that we unmask the concept of "productivity" for what it actually is. It is nothing. It is a rule we added to the game to complicate it for ourselves. Productivity is man made. Productivity is a restriction. Productivity is, above all, a stupid rule. I say we break the chains that bind us to ridiculous expectations and low self esteem. Dare to be unproductive! Deign to sit with yourself and do nothing but feel the sun and the breeze! Don't think about anything, don't move, don't listen to music, don't check your phone, just be here. Set a timer if you have to (I know it's lame, but it helps).

Be present, not productive. Celebrate the little victories like putting on pants and feeding yourself. If you are warm, comfortable and fed at the end of the day, I'd say you were pretty productive! Don't get mad at yourself for taking a day off to think, or heal, or sleep. Do what you have to do! If it conflicts with your productivity, you are being too productive, and you are not being present.

I know it's hard. Doing nothing and being present may lead to enlightenment (or a general feeling of wellbeing) but it is much harder and less immediately satisfying than being "productive". Being present takes time. It takes time to learn how to do it, and one needs to make the time to do it. Because it takes time, the rewards, though greater, take time to manifest and appreciate, but they are worth the wait. (I hate the word "manifest", it's overused but it's the best I've got at the present moment.) Let go of your attachment to productivity and begin living up to your own expectations. And then let go of those expectations and really find bliss.

Do what you have to do, don't put productivity above yourself. I wish there was a word other than productivity that encapsulated the concepts of "do what you have to do" and "be true to yourself first". Silly English, you don't have the right words. Productivity is a 4 letter word, and that word is "work". Work is no fun. "Play" and "live" are much more fun! Feeling good in your mind and body is a lot more fun. That's not to say that you shouldn't take care of yourself, but "doing what you have to do" and "work" aren't necessarily synonymous. There is work in doing what you have to do, but do just that. Just do what you have to do, don't get hung up on all the extra side-quests.

The game doesn't have to suck, because we can pick the rules we want to play with. I'm leaving productivity, in it's negative sense, to people that like complicating things. I'm much too busy playing my mo'betta game over here. Not only that, but I demand to play my own game. It is my choice. Don't diss me because my game is easier and more fun than yours. That's your problem. No fair trying to make me feel bad about my awesomeness.

Try it. That's the main message here. Try doing what you have to do instead of what productive industrialists tell you you "could" or "should" be doing. "Could" doesn't mean "should", and "should" doesn't mean "must". There are 3 words for a good reason. Try it. And make sure you fit in things that you "like" and "want" to do too. : )

Off To An Awesome Start!

So, I thought I wouldn't have much design to report until a couple weeks from now, but then I found THIS! Alt.kilt has made an awesome red kilt for Atlas the Mighty in Circus Bacchus with my logo on it! Best ever!

New Years has started out completely wrong in the diet department. However, having eaten nothing but junkfood all day, I am satisfied that all need for pizza and potato chips has left me. I look forward to all the pretty fruits in my fridge. I have 2 kinds of mangos, a prickly pear and 3 different kinds of apples and pears! Oh! And persimmons!

Sea of Dreams was tons of fun! I had a really great time. The venue was HUGE! I'd love to go to an event there again. Very well laid out and easy to navigate, with plenty of room. Room for 4 stages, 2 chill areas, a vendor village and galleries! They even had a few food trucks outside. Once again, Mexican food saved my life. And there was literally a bar in every area to keep you from getting thirsty.

It was my 4th time seeing Gogol Bordello live and they were hugely impressive as always. If you have never seen them live, do it. They put on one of the best, most energetic shows I have ever seen. They are consistently awesome.

Shpongle was Shpongle, always a joy. I had seen that particular set before and it was pretty cool. They did the Quixotic Masquerade show this time. It has just been too hard to gain enough room to really dance at all of their shows! Tragic, but I continue to dream of larger dance floors!

And then there was The Glitch Mob. Sorry everyone, but I have rarely been so underwhelmed. I really appreciate their energy and their showmanship was awesome! It's just that I really hated their music. It was terrible. The sound was abrasive, too much contrast between the trebles and the bass, and absolutely nothing in the middle to connect them. It sounded like they should have been making beats for hip-hop, not putting on their own act. But I digress, I'm an electronica snob, so please feel free to judge for yourself. I see potential here, the reggae style beats and some of the rhythmic structure was good, but the musicality was under par. Feel free to have a look at them though, great performers.

Trentemoler was pretty cool, but I was too busy watching another DJ to pay him much attention. All the headliners were great, but the highlight of my night was Dex Stakker, who was spinning some sick, dirty breakbeat trance until midnight. He even shared my distain for 2012 declaring, "Fuck 2012!" as midnight approached. Made my night. : ) He rocked my whole world for a good 90 minutes. So awesome! I waited until the end of his set and told him how impressed I was and he gave me a CD of his vocal mix (and it ROCKS). Totally want to see more of him this year.

Also, there was a gallery of artworks, a display of different kinds of kinetic/interactive installations involving lots of lights and projectors, and live artists working on paintings! One had a figure model sign-up sheet. Hopefully I'll be hearing back. : )

Also, I have to mention the awesome circus performance by CirQularius and the fabulous samba interludes by Samba Drop. Great fun and great acts!

Last night, I had a dream that I was living in an apartment complex that might have been Arcosanti in my dreamscape. The handyman was completely unreliable due to alcohol addiction and I covertly stole his tools to do the work myself, replacing them when I had finished. I also needed to pick locks to get some of the work done and I remember gaining some practice locks and some picks to play with before I woke up. Interesting insights for a new year. Apparently I have all the tools, I just need to figure out how to use them. Sounds about right.

Stuff I Like

I like good food.
I like bending rules.
I like waking up laughing.
I like my cat.
I like all cats.
I like running my fingers over super soft things.
I like hot showers.
I like space foam mattress covers.
I like the colored glass.
I like smelling things. Everything.
I like goat cheese.
I like using music to explore my emotions.
I like tragically beautiful artwork.
I like minor keys.
I like feeling overcome with emotion.
I like touching your face.
I like dancing until I can't stand up anymore.
I like long walks.
I like getting lost in the woods.
I like listening to the crickets at night.
I like fire.
I like cuddling.
I like climbing trees.
I like feeling prepared.
I like being on time.
I like making music.
I like orange, blue and grey together.
I like black, grey and maroon together.
I like light grey, dark purple and olive drab together.
I like exhaustive sex.
I like the forests in Oregon.
I like Autumn.
I like having 4 distinct seasons.
I like sitting in the sun.
I like chocolate and tea.
I like yoga.
I like feeling the presence of things I can't see.
I like being alone.
I like feeling at one with the universe.
I like poetry.
I like stingy, not thuddy.
I like trying new things.
I like the wind.
I like the big slide at the county fair.
I like plants.
I like growing things.
I like cartoons.
I like making things with my hands.
I like doing things myself.
I like making people smile.
I like seeing things that you don't show everybody, like that look on your face after you tell me something personal.
I like being praised for my brilliance.
I like improving my skills.
I like being healthy.
I like sunsets.

The subject is illusive...

I'm not sure what I'm doing on this blog, but I feel like my best writing happens when I'm thinking about positive things. It's hard to do. There is a lot going on that is NOT right in myself, and even more that is NOT right in the world. It's easy to get bogged down by all that is wrong with the world. But there are news websites to indulge that, let's try to find something positive in this stormy sea of house fires, school shootings, fraud, robberies and rampant destructive capitalism...

Here's something.

I almost cried during Christmas dinner. But it's not what you think! I consider myself to be blessed in a way. (All positive blogs should start this way.) I have a great family. My family is my lighthouse in dark times. I know if I ever falter, my family will be there to right me. If I fall, they'll catch me. If I fail, they'll be there to support me. Good times and bad times, my family has been there to sustain me. I am lucky.

Most Xmases, I get together with my family. We open presents, have dinner, share stories, just be together. It's nice. We don't fight, we have very little drama, and the drama that presents itself usually happens when I am far away and the holidays are over. That whole scene where the entire family has a meltdown during Christmas dinner and angry members storm out into the snow in a huff is fiction for me. No one slams down their silverware in the middle of turkey and yells, no one gets cornered in the kitchen and lectured, no one is made to cry over their eggnog, none of that.

My holidays are filled with kind words and love. Like I said, I'm lucky.

I'm lucky because I have a support system as long as I have ties to my kin. My family is always there when I'm having a hard time. If I need help, they're there to assist me. If I need to talk, they're there to listen. If I'm confused, they're there to help me make sense of it all. If I'm sad, they cheer me up. If I'm angry, they calm me down.

That's not to say we don't have our differences by any means. I'm very different than most of the members of my family. I'm not a christian, I'm not a republican, I'm not straight, I'm not monogamous, and I'm not "Lawful-Good" by any stretch of the imagination. "But where there's love, dear, those are the ties that bind." And that's really the point of it all. I know that whatever happens, there will always be love. And that's a good thing to know.

Things I've been thinking about...

I'm an American. As ashamed as I am of that fact sometimes, I don't know anything else. My art needs some direction, and I've been thinking I should stick with what I know. So here's some subjects I've been thinking about.

Dia de los Muertos - I've been conceptualizing a tribute project to all my dearly departed in which I will make a skull portrait of each loved one I have that has passed. And maybe make actual candy skulls to go along with them. Having lived in Tucson for 10 years, this small part of Mexican folk culture has lodged itself in my bones, and I think I would like to explore it further.

American Folklore - Paul Bunyan, Johnny Appleseed, Pecos Bill, Davy Crocket, John Henry, Calamity Jane. Those are the mainstream ones. What others? Where are all the women? Who were they before they became the stuff of legend? Frontiersmen, Cowboys, Ranchers, Lumberjacks, Hobos, Railroaders, and stage coach drivers. Why the romance? What other romantic figures didn't make it into folklore (gangsters, militiamen, other rebels)? Are there any heros that chose harmony with nature instead of overcoming it? And what about our actual historical figures? George Washington didn't want to be president, Abe Lincoln didn't want to free the slaves, Martin Luther King Jr. didn't want to be used as an advocate for lower taxes for the rich... If we were still writing folklore, who would the modern characters be?

Embryos - I need to expand this concept into the political realm. And with all the stink being made about women's reproductive rights lately, that shouldn't be hard.

Immigrants - Unless you are a native American, you're essentially an immigrant. Doesn't matter how long you've been here. Or does it? How long does it take, how many generations, for a person's blood to be tied to the land they live in? Am I an immigrant? Immigrant spawn? Or am I too a native American. The short answer is no, but what is the long answer?

Little ramblings. I feel like I need to expand myself a little in the realm of creativity. I also feel like I need to attach more meaning to my art. What is my message? I'm not sure anymore. After 2 years as a designer, I feel like I'm working for/within a system that I fundamentally disagree with on multiple levels. How do I use my skills to raise my voice within that system? And what do I have to say?

6 or so months pass...

...and nothing much has changed.

Here's a business card and alternate logo I made for 34 Electric and Communications in Flagstaff.

I'll be posting one image per day for the next couple weeks. Each image comes from the span of time that I have been employed at The Print Raven in Flagstaff.

6 months from now, I will be living somewhere else! I've decided that it is time to take my leave of this stifling small town, and actually get paid for my expertise at a more professional organization. I have had a good time up here, met many good friends and had many good times, especially the circus related ones. But it's time to move on. I am growing to hate this place, and that isn't what I want.

Ram Dass is my new guru. If you haven't heard of/listened to him, you ought to. His name was Richard Alpert before his awakening. He is in his 80's now. And my new goal in life is to meet him before he dies. He has beautiful thoughts. And an equally beautiful smile.

Speaking of goals, it's time for new years resolutions! Which I hate. So I've decided to have new year's guidelines instead:

Yoga regularly.

Begin juicing.

Eat more raw foods, veges, salad, fruits, smoothies.

Eat REAL breakfasts in the morning. (By real I mean see above and quit the mini doughnut and mountain dew combo I've been living on for a YEAR almost...)

Control blood sugars. (The docs tell me it will help my joint problems among other things.)

Regular meditation.

More sitting in the sun.

Control inflammatory pain.

More art for me.

Art as activism.

More poetry.

Better general hygene (eew, I know...)

"Be the lover you desire" and then start looking.

All easy guidelines to stick to.

My first plan for moving away is to move to Eugene, OR with my friend Natasha. The second plan is to just apply for jobs in whatever city I feel like going to and see what turns out. I definately need a job before I do any moving. Work cut me to part time, so now I have next to no income. And jobs in Flagstaff are hard to find unless you want to work food or retail. But even then...

I will, however be doing some figure modeling at NAU in February and March. Putting just a little bit of cold hard evil into my savings account for the move.

One last thing, I'm pretty sure I'm an anarchist. I'm also pretty sure I'm a communist. But I'm pretty sure I'm not an anarcho-communist. That community has a tendency toward violence and disrespect that I am not angry enough to get behind yet. I mean, sorry black bloc, but I don't have to believe in private property to respect it or accept people's addiction to it. Breaking windows only demonstrates your anger, it doesn't really make any kind of point beyond that.

Actually, that's not the last thing. The last thing is a "big think" (read The Island of Dr. Moreau). I'm an adult. I can make my life be whatever I want it to be. When I was younger, I used to get discouraged about being stuck in a rut and not being able to change anything. Now, I am seeing that it just takes a little more time than I want it to, and that is the source of my frustration. But, the time is necessary. Time presents the opportunity to grow, plan, change without growing pains, and make easy transitions. One of the things that I will take away from my time in Flagstaff is the ability to appreciate the baby steps in the process to bettering oneself. I have changed a lot since I've been here, and it has been too slow to account for all at once. But looking back on the last 2 years, I can see the progression. And only now does it all begin to make sense and fit together. Patience, as it turns out, is less of a virtue and more of a necessity. People only say it is a virtue because they are victims of their culture, too ADD to sit and wait, contentedly, for an outcome. Maybe patience should be on my list of new year's guidelines.

The end. For now.

Reawakening

I went to San Francisco. I discovered there that I've fallen behind technology while in Flagstaff. So! There's only one thing to do. Upgrade! I've decided to give my internet presence and gadgets/technology/programs a complete overhaul in the next 2 years or so. 2 years because I think it's going to take that long to get the funds for it.

Then I'll be all set to move to the big city and have a career for a few years!

I've suddenly been thrust into this weird state of adulthood. I feel a very profound need to be a career woman, if you will. And nesting has begun. I want an earthship, off the grid, with a garden, by a river, with a dock, and a little boat, and an inner-tube tied to the dock with a rope, so I can sit in it, and not go anywhere.

I want to have a "job" where I telecommute and get to make executive decisions and control the direction my designs and art take.

I also want to cure my diabetes. And it looks like I can, if I get in on the right clinical trial. Speaking of diabetes, here's this really wicked electronic log book program for iPhone called Diabetes Buddy that has EVERYTHING I EVER wanted in a log book! I can track my sugars, insulin, exercise, and food along with other things like water consumption and BMI/weight changes, all in one program on my iPhone! The only problem is, I have a 1st gen iPhone, and the program needs the 4.0 update to run. 1st gen only supports 3.x.x. More motivation to upgrade I guess.

Exciting things! I feel like I've awakened into a new part of myself, but more on that when I post about FaeryWorlds and the rest of my trip. ; )

Update

It's finally Spring! No more snow or frosts this year. I've planted squash, beans, and carrots. We'll see how they turn out. I'm hoping to receive tomato plants from my friend Esther once they get big enough. We have mint taking over one of the planters, green onions, sage and cilantro. Good eats!

I'm gearing up for Fairyworlds in Eugene, OR. Natasha, Maria, a few others and I will be manning a booth and selling all manner of wonders and trinkets. There will be art, masks, jewelry, books, clothing and more! Fun for all!

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, mostly about my current direction. Circus is taking over my life and I didn't want it to, so after this performance season, I'll be scaling it back significantly. The only performing I'll be doing will be with the band. Fire up in Flagstaff is just too much of a hassle. I'll be learning some new and interesting skills like fire meteor, dart, and fire breathing/eating. And I'll be keeping up with the juggling. But just to dabble. Maybe something awesome will come out of these experiments, but I'm not banking on it. I just want to have fun with it. More trumpet, more painting, less stress, happy Kim.

I'll be celebrating my 1 year anniversary in a couple weeks. My how time flies when your in love. : )

I can't wait until my self-imposed 2 years is up on my job. I'm ready to be more creative and actually get paid real money for what I can do.

Diabetes management is improving. I discovered to my dismay that all the ratios in my insulin pump were completely off and I have been working to get things back on track. Vision is improving with my blood sugars, and I've hooked up with an excellent diabetes educator who doesn't scoff at my dreams of curing my disease or participating in clinical trials to that end. The next step is finding a like-minded endocrinologist (a requirement for most of the clinical trials). I think I may be conducting interviews for that position. I really want my new doc to be on board for curing me, not treating me. I have faith.

On the injury front, I've started light work-outs that include stretching, balance and equipment-less exercises (push-ups, crunches, pull-ups, etc.) that use my body as its own weight system. I've decided to track my progress and see how I improve month to month. Maybe I'll be a flier yet! Stretching and moving feels really good. I'm doing it right.

I'm donating a painted adirondack chair to my Mom's Soroptimist Club for a raffle in Phoenix. It's a desert-scape with prickly pear cactus. I'll be painting it today. I had another, more epic idea, but she told me to stick with something simple. Next year, I'll be painting it a Dia de los Muertos theme with a skeleton mother and a skeleton embryo and flowers and bright colors and yay!

Motorcycle, gallery showings and paintings are in the works.

End of line.

Update and Plans

So, as you've probably guessed, I've been out of the neck brace for some time now. Muscle pain is almost nonexistent and my muscles are coming back in. Poi helps a lot, but I've lost all of my strength and using my heavy practice rigs is now a workout!

Circus and band are coming right along. It appears that I've caught them at an interesting time when they're starting to be sought out for gigs and formalizing the ranks and becoming an actual performance troop. Very exciting indeed. I'm going to be in an acrobalance act, a fire breathing/eating act and a fire poi act. I've got music for most and have started choreography for none... Shows appear to be during the summer, so I have a little time.

I've also accidentally developed a sad clown character. Her name is Crispy, and she'll play with fire. Kindlin Stokes continues to be my main stage presence though.

I profoundly miss modeling. I crave the meditation time and never seem to find the time to sit for 3 hours and think, which is what that work became for me.

Spring Fever. I has it. And along with it, the desire to do a detox. I think I'll try one for 3 weeks starting in April. This time I'll take the supplements and get the body work and do the exercises and the special hygiene things (scrubs, skin-care, aromatherapy, etc.) I'll feel fabulous when I'm done. : )

I'm trying to manage my time better, it's coming along... Slowly... This is an ongoing problem that I need to address.

In art, I'm trying to make more time, and I'll be tricking out part of the garage to make a studio for painting and outside sorts of art activities. I'll probably use it as a drying room too, away from the pets.

Blood sugar control never ceases to amaze me. I've been keeping better track for a week now and I can already read street signs from the car again. The world is a lot bigger when I can see the trees on the peaks and the leaves on branches across the street. I'm also feeling a little more energetic. Not that any of this surprises me, but I think I'd like to see how far I can take it this time and actually be well for a while. I'm tired of being sick and injured.

I'm very tired today. Stayed up late to pick my sister up from the train station. Really late. I think I'll be nice to myself when I get home and take it easy.

Angst and Progress Report

So, I've been having these PTSD panic attacks while riding in cars and traveling at high velocities... I've never had this problem before and it's making me very unhappy. I'm not too sure what to do about it. And it's putting me in a rotten mood.

No more angst.

I'm getting the creativity bug again. I think it's time for some epic painting! And I found another gallery in Flagstaff where I could potentially display my work.

I'm currently reading 10 books.

I'm set up for learning fire breathing and eating as soon as it gets warm outside and the wind dies down! And I'll probably be performing it as an act in late summer! Exciting!

I'm also seeing some improvement in my blood sugars. Hopefully I'll be able to achieve my goal of a Hemoglobin 1Ac score of 8 by the end of the year.

Lastly, I landed an illustration gig yesterday! It's for a series of science oriented children's books on nature and natural forces. I'll explain more once I get more familiar with the material. : )

Update

Finished the first knitting project I ever started. It's a short scarf with yellow buttons. : )

I've been out of the neck brace since the 10th. And it's been SO nice. I'm recovering quickly and have lost a bit of strength and muscle, but there hasn't been much pain aside from stiffness.

I begin work again full time next week. Yay paycheck!

I've made a rag tag list of resolutions to guide me through my next year. Very few are physical goals, but I can make those once my body is in working condition again.

Read 5 Classics

Read 5 books from personal library

Circus Bacchus Act Posters

Love Paintings

Kris' Angels

Elementals

Burn Unit Story and Character Sketches

Geb & Nut (legend in Burn Unit universe)

Finish 2 video games

Kitten Head Paintings

Beanie the Premie

Mittens, Chessie, Ginger, Mica

Finish Character Backgrounds

Sculpt a little

Knit a bit

Go to 2 raves

Rebuild lost strength

More trumpet

Bike (later in year)

Hip Hop Dance Class (later in year)

Save monies

A1c 8 or lower

Pics

Here's the car...

Here's a very medicated Christmas elf in a neck brace...

(this is the morning after the hospital visit)

I'm feeling better and better every day.

There have been tons of doctor's appointments.

And many failed attempts at bowel movements.

My opinion of opiates gets progressively more negative.

But they told me I can switch to ibuprofen now if I want.

Done and done.

Oops

I was in a car accident on the 29th. It was snowing and we hit a particularly treacherous curve in the road that was covered in slick snow. The road kept curving, but the car didn't and my girlfriend and I ended up crashing into a telephone pole at somewhere between 35 and 40 mph. There was a crunch, a sensation of hardness that I'd never felt before in my life, and puff of black smoke filled the cab. Laura fled the car, I managed my seat-belt and discovered my car door was stuck. She rushed around the other side of the car to help me but I used my adrenaline to climb over the seats and out her door. Then the pain hit me. My shoulders and neck felt like they'd been sledge hammered and my waste felt cold in a few places. I chalked it up to ice until later when I found out that my seat-belt had given me two burns on my iliac crests (better burned than comatose!).

After getting snowed on for a couple minutes, the paramedics arrived and put us in neck braces, then an anbulence took us to the hospital to be checked out. Laura came away with a bloody nose and a mild case of whiplash. My injuries were worse.

At the hospital, they got me out of my jacket and sweater and cut my shirt off. Then they put me in a gown and took my vitals and started me on an I.V. for pain killers which I initially refused. As the evening went on, they gave me a CAT scan and took some blood. I finally accepted morphine, and found it to be absolutely no fun, albeit effective. Then they pumped me full of anti nausea meds and atavan for the MRI. That was no fun either, even the anti anxiety meds didn't help, and they wore off in the middle of the scan. They found a bump on my thyroid. I have to get that checked out now.

The final diagnosis was that I have damage to my ligaments on C5 and C6 in my neck and need to remain in a neck brace until the neurologist says I can take it off without fear of paralysis.

The last week has been a percoset "soma holiday" and I've gotten a lot of knitting done. I see the neurologist on Wednesday, and hope to get my brace off. I am not allowed to lift anything, take the brace off, move my head, or much of anything. They said I could return to work on the 13th, but I'm going to play it by ear.

The injection for my trigger finger went well and it's feeling a lot better now. I almost punched the Doc out when the shot was delivered; it hurt like a mother...

Here are my thoughts on morphine. It sucks! Everyone I've ever talked to and read about opiate based drugs praises "the rush" and says it's the greatest thing in the world. In Trainspotting they say "Take the best orgasm you ever had, multiply it by a thousand and you're still nowhere near it." My ruling, horse-shit. They are so incredibly wrong. The nurse described "the rush" as "a blizzard in my brain" which is surprisingly accurate. It isn't pleasurable in the least, and neither is the high afterward. The rush gives you static, like a snowy TV screen, then it's like you're normal, but with a balloon for a head with 3D glasses on. Nothing special, nothing especially pleasurable, just normal-plus. I'd like to take the opportunity to judge opium enthusiasts as retarded and in need of better drugs. Opiates are crap. At least I know I'll never die a heroin addict!

Today I get to begin the process of packing my house for others to move. I can't lift anything, so I get to rely on the goodness of my circus friends to move and place my things in my new lodgings. And since I tend to micromanage my moving, this is going to take a lot out of me. But I am touched by the amount of people that volunteered to help right away. Thanks, everyone. It means a lot to me. And I promise, the food and drink I give you in return will be excellent.

Trigger Finger

Trigger finger is a kind of tendonitis. In my family, it is par for the course at around 50 years of age. Guess who got it early?

The treatment is an injection of steroids directly into the effected area. I hear it's painful. I hear it may or may not work. I'm thrilled.

Other than that, things are well.

I finally sold the car! This is awesome! It's presenting some interesting transportation concerns, but I'm taking them in stride.

I'll be moving into a house with room mates by mid December! Also awesome!

This all saves me mountains of money every month! So full of awesome!

I also have a place in Winslow to show my work! I'll be taking it down there before Christmas. I hope.

Prop 203 passed in Arizona. And I am very happy about that.

The tendonitis in my right wrist has disappeared and so have a few inflammation related complaints I've had for the last year. I'm guessing it is due to the severity of the trigger finger in my left hand. I hope the treatment works, it's really cramping my style and making it hard for me to work.

Lastly, I've discovered I have a knack for balancing plates as they spin on sticks! I'll be working that up for a circus act, I think. It's tons of fun and I'm already balancing it on my chin for short bursts.

Happy Thanksgiving, readers! Please enjoy your parties and feasts and be safe this weekend!

Something that bothers me...

Everyone has opinions. Everyone has opinions that are rooted in ignorance. Lack of understanding makes fools out of people. I have had multiple instances this week when people have voiced their opinions to me and have sounded like cynics and idiots because they have no idea what they are talking about. If there is something you "don't get", ask about it. Make an inquiry. Read a book. Take a class. Have a conversation with an educated person that has answers. Don't make excuses for your ignorance by leaving it at "I just don't get it" or "that doesn't make sense" or "that's stupid" or "that sounds way too far out to be true". Standing behind your ignorance with statements like that just makes you sound closed-minded and under educated.

I have a hard time respecting any opinion that is voiced in ignorance, especially when it has to do with concepts that are known to be foreign to the person voicing them. For example...

If you aren't gay, don't know anyone that is gay, and don't want to branch out and at least try to understand what being queer is like, then don't say things like "Whatever, a man is a man and a woman is a woman. Just because gay people can't handle that, doesn't mean they are entitled to special treatment and media coverage. I don't get why they can't just can't be happy with their gender. They were born whatever sex they were born with, they shouldn't have problems with that." Congratulations, you've just lumped transgendered, transexual, transvestite, and homosexual people into the same categorie without even considering the vast difference between them. You've also labeled the entire gay community as abnormal and incorrect. Check yourself, you're about to sound homophobic and hostile.

If you have never delved into the vast universe of spirituality, don't say things like "So I saw this crystal today that said it was supposed to align my chakras and bring balance to my life. As if! I mean, how do they know that that rock even does that? There's no way they can know that. And where do they get this stuff anyway? I refuse to believe that any of that stuff actually works." Congratulations, you've just confirmed that you have absolutely no idea what you're talking about, and have completely failed to consider the history and tradition surrounding that spiritual system. Not only that, but you've also completely failed to recognize the validity that this system brings to the lives of its believers. It may not work for you (not that you've tried it), but that is no reason to belittle its significance to those who have faith in it.

These are very specific examples. And as such, I apologize to those people who have voiced these opinions for not having the patience and self-control to curb my anger and counter your argument when you voiced it. I hope you will excuse the snark and remember that you are my friends, and I am yours. We have both spoken strong words this week, and I hope we will both learn from them.

The moral of this story is: understanding and acceptance are the key to a peaceful existence. Read a book.

I feel Autumn today.

Like I said. Today is ripe with the scent of familiarity. It's my favorite time of the year again. Despite the Fates' attempt to commandeer my feelings about Autumn, I still regard her as my favorite season. There's color, change, and promise of rebirth. Everything getting ready for the long winter ahead. It's as if the earth is breathing in after breathing out since the Spring.

I'm feeling very creative today, we'll see how that shapes up, but I definitely think some drawing is in order.

And now for something Gothic. So much color surrounds Autumn. Yellows, oranges, reds, browns, and clinging shades of fading green. There are grays and whites and blacks toward the end, and some blues. Then Winter, in all of its minimal white, flecked here and there in blacks and greys, like ash from an autumn explosion. The irony here, is that Autumn, for all its color and whimsical holidays, is first and foremost a season of death. The veil between the worlds is reputedly thin at this time, the earth seems to waste and decay, the color fades. Ghosts return to us in this season on holy days like samhain, halloween, El Dia de los Muertos, All Saints' Day, All Souls' Day, and a host of others. Harvest, the gathering of the fruit of dying plants for storage through the winter and the eating of harvested meat is celebrated on various feast days in Autumn. Underlying all of these joyful festivities is the theme of death, eturnity, blissful sleep, and faith that Spring will return after the Winter. All the life that is sucked out of the landscape will magically return as the Sun begins to show its face more and the days lengthen. A gamble, at best.

The theme of death has been shrouded more and more in the gradual evolution of the Autumn holidays. What used to be regarded as solumn celebrations of ancestors and lives lost has turned into the candy-flinging frolic of Halloween, and the gorge-fests of Thanksgiving, the Feast of St. Michael (one of the 4 evangelists), the Mid-Autumn Festival (celebrated in many Asian countries), Durga Puja (a feast for Durga, Mother Goddess and slayer of demons), and countless others.

But, also underlying the theme of death is a feeling of hope and deliverance. Why would we gather and store for the Winter unless we were sure we'd be alive after the sun "dies" on the eve of the Winter Solstace? We take solace in knowing, by faith, that it will be reborn again on the morning of the Solstace. And Spring will return, so we can do it all again.

This musing brought to you by... A faint scent, and a feeling. It is Autumn today. I love it.

Update and Burbling

Wow, so work has been so hectic that I haven't been able to produce any stickers for, like, a month now. Yay school starting. Apparently this is our peak season. At least it'll calm down soon.

I'm seriously considering the purchase of a vinyl cutter. They're expensive, but I really like it as a medium. I have plans. So many plans. *evil grin*

I have a girlfriend, her name is Laura. : )

She made me a bento lunch today that included a big rice piggy and little hot dog piglets! So full of cute! And made with love. You know how sometimes you can totally tell that your food was either happy or made with love? You eat it and it nourishes your soul and your body. I started my lunch happy and ended it laughing because I could feel the love. :D Best lunch evar! Thank you my dear! I'll post a pic later.

I've been artistically constipated. I haven't done anything in a really long time. It's time to get painting. And knitting. And sewing. And sketching. Anything...

The problem I've run into has to do with my energy level. It's non-existent. I've been trying to counter it with a little mind-over-matter exercise. I wake up, frown, and my first thought is "I'm tired, I want to sleep more, this sucks." I'm making a concentrated effort to wake up, smile, say an affirmation, and think "I'm awake, I'm happy, today is awesome!" It has produced good results so far, actually.

My dreams have been very vivid lately. One involved visiting Atlantis and seeing their water accumulator tower; it pulls water out of the atmosphere using polarity and drips it into a lake, all pure and drinkable. There is a force field that keeps contaminants out. If a large enough organic body falls in (ie. Me or another person), it teleports it onto a platform that is like a dock running out into the center of the lake. For the record, teleporting is SUPER FUN!

My inquiry into Hinduism had produced some interesting results. The more I research it, the more I am drawn to it. Not the Hare Krishna movement, but the religion as a whole. It is full of light, balance, love and tolerance. Not just tolerance, but understanding and acceptance. Cool stuff, and the deities are super cool.

I have a big happy today. : )

My cat caught his first bird a week ago! I was very happy for him, and he seems to have perked up a little since then.

I have an awesome potted vegetable garden now! It is doing well. Hopefully it will produce zucchini before the frost. There are tomatoes also, and lettuce and peas. Herbs too. Om nom nom.

I'll try to sell Argentina this weekend. My car and I have had some good times, but now we must part. I'll see how well I do with for sale signs and leaving it in a visible place before I go with craigslist.

I'm in Circus Bacchus as their official fire tech (LOL!) and I'm now the trumpet player in the Circus Bacchus Band! I'm having tons of fun with them and I'll start learning new skills soon. Juggling and fire staff are on the list. And I think I'll be able to coordinate group fire routines too.

I tried disc golf. I LOVE it.

That's all I can think of for now!