It seems to me, that the cosmos is finally urging me to make my own way in life. In everything I do, there's this underlying necessity to do it my way, my pace, my speed, in my time. The time is now, the speed is whatever I choose. There's a feeling of freedom in all of it, but there's also a feeling of sadness. The road, if I make it my own, will be lonely and rough, but fulfilling. I'm starting to realize that no matter what I do in life, it has to be alone. All of my decisions and life goals involve long periods of solitude and independence. And that is just so I can fulfill my goals.
Some examples include, the bus/traveling, being an artist, owning my own business, curing my disease. All of these things are extremely personal, extremely one-sided journeys. All of these things are goals that I need to achieve for myself, all by myself.
I could go so far as to say that no one gets it and no one understands, so how could they help me... But that would make me bitter and resentful. And I'm not. All I feel is the calm that comes with the resolve that I'm in it for the long haul and that I must perservier, on my own, and make my own quiet victories within myself. I stare destiny in the face and I know what I have to do.
I look at my life and I know that I am ready to take the next step forward. On to a new place, a new way of life and new friends. And it will be so much easier to be who I have to be without the history so deeply ingrained in where I live now. I'll move on and no one will know anything about me except my present self. It makes me happy to think about how easy it will be to be myself around these new (or old and just out of touch) people that I'll be around.
New me, new place, new perspective; and then new love and new life.
In lieu of all of this, I will begin looking for jobs in Los Angeles, San Diego and San Francisco in December. I'll state my availability for April at the earliest (giving myself time to wrap up the show which will end the last day of Feb.), unless I get a freakishly good offer for a full-time with benefits. I'll continue to downsize myself for the impending move and I'll take it all as it comes. And keep aware that it is, in fact, coming soon.
The art update is as follows... I've contracted some kind of creeping crud plague cold sickness thing. So the work has become slow. I have the skirt for my costume done, and I've done an uncolored sketch of Deva. I've also mapped out 3 stencils going on 4 (or 5 if you want to separate colors). I think the stickers are completely bunk at this point, I just can't afford them. Perhaps a simplified version would be cheaper. The costume is about a week from being finished, and I only have a couple of days... We'll see what happens...
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